Peter and his bandits peered ever so carefully over the grassy bluff at their target: a beautiful, new culture center filled with people of all ages and creeds, participating in anything from a yoga class, to a basketball game, to a painting contest, to just sitting and reading the latest book. No one could have suspected anything less than peace and tranquility, particularly because nothing else ever occurs.
However, this gang was prepared to rock these people’s’ world forever. They acted on their own and had plans to wreak havoc for no other reason except for one: Peter and his followers were guns. Everyone knows that guns make their own decisions and everything that they do is based on their own initiative. When a trigger is pulled, they do it alone. When a bullet exits the shaft, again they are responsible. When a target is located and shot, a gun is who must be blamed. Peter was in no mood to disprove this stereotype. He had been tossing and turning in bed for weeks in anticipation of this day. His lackeys shared his excitement. And now the day was finally here.
As they crept down the shallow hill undetected, they wanted to make sure they were within close enough proximity to shoot as many people in as short a time frame as possible, and then escape into obscurity. When they were within a few feet of a cafeteria, they noticed that it was lunch time and that there must have been at least 80 people all sitting close together. Peter’s salivary glands started to tingle. This was the perfect opportunity he and his buddies could have only dreamed about. As they started to float in the air (something else guns do without any outside assistance), they excitedly, yet quietly, counted their bullets. After the tally was quickly completed, they realized that they had enough among them to place at least two for each upcoming victim. And that is exactly what they did. An onslaught of airborne metal flew through the air, entering different areas of the recently smiling, conversing, dining victims.
As each of these people fell to the floor, some already dead as their body touched the carpet, and others gasping and bleeding and trying to cry out, but unsuccessfully, Peter and his gang couldn’t hide their devious smiles. However, they knew that time was of the essence, so they turned to make their “well planned” getaway, only to be met by several police officers, who quickly grabbed them, placed them in a bag, threw them into the trunk of the car, and drove downtown for questioning.
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A few months later, at their trial, Peter and the others sat nervously in their seats next to their attorney as the head juror stood up to read the verdict. “We find the defendants Peter and his 17 accomplices GUILTY of first degree murder based on the fact that they are entirely responsible for loading themselves full of bullets, planning the attack weeks in advance, traveling to the location, and carrying out the crime in a cold-blooded manner.” The judge slammed his gavel and the courtroom became frenzied as people rushed out.
After all the people had left, only Peter and his 17 accomplices and their lawyer remained. Peter, with tears in his eyes looked at the attorney he had trusted for an acquittal with an expression of disbelief and asked “Harry, how did this happen? We are merely inanimate objects without a conscience or a motive.”
“Well Peter”, responded Harry, matter of factly, “because of the exploitation of other crimes committed before yours by humans, it has been decided that a person who uses a gun should no longer be considered the one to be punished. Instead, they are using your case as a precedent to teach people the lesson that it is the guns that must be put away for such crimes, not the people who use them. And since you and the others actually committed these heinous crimes on your own without any person pulling the trigger, there was nothing I could do for you. But be assured that I gave it my all.”
With this said, the lawyer snapped shut his briefcase and the court cops grabbed Peter and the others and, along with the Second Amendment, threw them in a deep, dark cell, endangering any of their chances to ever see the light of day again.
Other Erik the Red articles: http://eriktheredopinioncentral.wordpress.com/2012/12/28/where-are-all-the-war-protestors-now-3/
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Excellent Eric, well written. Illustrates beautifully the ridiculousness of such a mentality.
Thank you, a kERNEL. Welcome to the site.
Excellent piece, my friend.
Thanks, Ben.
I thought it was important to expose a gun’s guilt in a crime. For far too long have they – then true culprits – been ignored. Now, it’s about time that every gun on our soil is given to the government. You know, those who are truly responsible enough to handle them. Every Branch Davidian in America would surely vouch for me.
Yes, my friend, yes, the could. Guns should be left only to those responsible enough to use them according to their true purpose – which, of course, would automatically exclude the ATF and a few other branches of gov’t.
Also, can you rename the site to promote continued discussion/debate/argument/gratuitous riducule?
Thomas, I am merely one of the editors. But have sent an email to Barry, the site’s creator. He wrote me back regarding some changes for the site. I haven’t gotten back to him on it, but I’m sure he would appreciate your input as well.
Is there such a thing as a satirical fable? If not, you have invented a genre. Well done.
Thank you, Thomas.
Good to see you again.